1. Einstein wrote that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That said, is it crazier to repeatedly throw yourself against a window, or to repeatedly open that window, believing the creatures that are throwing themselves against it might come into your house, take a look around, and leave with no hard feelings?
    — David Sedaris
  2. Thirty minutes of pure rage, and when I finally spot him I realize I’ve never been so happy to see anyone in my life. ‘There you are,’ I say. And when he asks where I have been, I answer honestly and tell him I was lost.
    — David Sedaris, When You Are Engulfed in Flames (via nomoreundead)
  3. You can’t brace yourself for famine if you’ve never known hunger.
    — David Sedaris
  4. itsdibby:

    All of us are left to choose our own quality of life & take pleasure where we find it with the understanding that like Mom used to say ‘Sooner or later, something’s going to get you.’

    David Sedaris, “Diary of a Smoker”

  5. What’s the trick to remembering that a sandwich is masculine? What qualities does it share with anyone in possession of a penis? I’ll tell myself that a sandwich is masculine because if left alone for a week or two, it will eventually grow a beard.
    — David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day (via thewhimsicallife)
  6. In Paris the cashiers sit rather than stand. They run your goods over a scanner, tally up the price, and then ask you for exact change. The story they give is that there aren’t enough euros to go around. “The entire EU is short on coins.”

    And I say, “Really?” because there are plenty of them in Germany. I’m never asked for exact change in Spain or Holland or Italy, so I think the real problem lies with the Parisian cashiers, who are, in a word, lazy. Here in Tokyo they’re not just hard working but almost violently cheerful. Down at the Peacock, the change flows like tap water. The women behind the registers bow to you, and I don’t mean that they lower their heads a little, the way you might if passing someone on the street. These cashiers press their hands together and bend from the waist. Then they say what sounds to me like “We, the people of this store, worship you as we might a god.”

    — David Sedaris (When You Are Engulfed in Flames)
  7. People in trailers were canned and labeled much like the apple juice down at the plant, stamped with ingredients for all the world to see: chicken fried steak, overcooked vegetables, no working knowledge of any major Italian movie directors—the list went on and on.
    — David Sedaris
  8. nique:

    David Sedaris Delivers a Pizza.

    He’s in town soon; just heard an ad on the radio that sounded eerily familiar….

  9. I look at these people and can’t quite believe that they exist. Are they professional actors? I wonder. Or are they simply laymen who want a lot of attention? To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. “Can I interest you in the chicken?” she asks. “Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it? To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked.
    — David Sedaris
  10. As I searched the atlas for somewhere to run to, Hugh made a case for his old stomping grounds. His first suggestion was Beirut, where he went to nursery school. His family left there in the midsixties and moved to the Congo. After that, it was Ethiopia, and then Somalia, all fine places in his opinion.

    'Let's save Africa and the Middle East for when I decide to quit living,' I said.

    — David Sedaris (When You Are Engulfed in Flames)